Her in mind
by ToniOtaku
Summary: Snape has insulted Lily Evans and knows it. And regrets it. The last chance in the school year to make it up is Slughorn's party. But can he win her back in one night? Or at all? Oneshot. Minor Lily  James. Angst. Set after facts shown in DH. SSLE


**Notes: **Please Read and **Review**. I need reviews or I die inside.  Set in Marauders era but with Deathly Hallows references. 

**Rating:** G. This is a clean fic, it just has some emo-ness

**Pairing: **Snape/Lily in mention. Minor Lily/ James.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Severus Snape[Sadly Or anyone else mentioned. This event is my own concoction.

**Uhmm...**Oh. It's set at the end of their 5th year, a day after the Mudblood incident/waiting outside portrait incident.

Enjoy!

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Severus Snape could never cry, not when Lily Evans was in his mind, and she always was. Even when his father was in one of his awful moods in the Summer, Severus climbed up to Lily's window. Simply sitting on the ledge, looking back through the window and seeing the red pile of velvet smooth hair. Her hair always smelled of strawberries. That fool Potter who fawned over her probably never noticed. He stayed perched on the window staring in until he had the strength to go back and face his father's hand. Of course she never caught him staring at her. A part of him wanted her to catch him one night, and smile, welcome him inside and just talk with him late into the night. Severus loved Lily Evans but he didn't want to do anything with her until he felt them both ready. 

But now he doubted that day would ever come because he had, in a moment of high- stress and even more agitation, called her foul, repulsive, dirty, disgusting and essentially a useless piece of flesh. He'd called her a mudblood. Of course the same day he'd went to her common room and refused to leave until he had apologized. Mary Macdonald had been nice enough to go and get her, but when Lily left Severus knew he had lost her. That fact still pained him deeply. He had gotten drunk that night. For the first time. And the last. He felt great while intoxicated, forgot about the entire mudblood incident (though not of Lily, for she was as entwined with his mind as the ability to speak)..but then he got over the intoxication, and the memories had cascaded over him and nearly crushed his soul in the process.

He'd always though the Astronomy tower would be a good place to die. He'd worked his way all the way up there and prepared to jump. But her face did not leave his head. It could never. A part of him didn't want to jump tonight, because he wasn't sure if it would hurt Lily, or if he'd be happy or sad if Lily was hurt. He wanted to know she cared, if he died and she was mourning that would tell him. But if he ever made her sad...he couldn't stand the thought of it. So he'd slunk back to the Slytherin common room and made a potion for dreamless and quick sleep, because he knew otherwise her voice would echo in his head and keep him up all night.

He had no interest in the Slug Clubs last party for any reason other then Lily would be there. And it was the last day of school so it may be the last chance to talk to her away from that awful sister of hers. With that in mind he decided this was probably the most important day of his life. He'd gone straight to the common room after his final class, though everyone else in the school seemed to be gathering in the halls, exchanging fair wells, having a good time.

Severus Snape had something a million times more important then talking to his stupid friends who Lily despised. He rushed to his abandoned dorm and went into Avery's bag without hesitation. He wasn't one who often stole things, but this was life or death. He scrounged around for half a minute, trying not to disrupt anything and then finally removed his hands, holding in his pale palms two items. One a common hairbrush. The other a bottle of volumizing shampoo and conditioner.

He didn't know why it didn't surprise him Avery had such an effeminate hair-washing solution. But that didn't matter, all that mattered to him was looking good for Lily Evans. He began gathering things, his dress-robes, the stolen hair product, even his dress shoes. Anything and everything he'd need. Then he barricaded himself within the slightly moldy-smelling bathroom. With a wave of his wand the smell vanished and the toilet morphed into a clear white ceramic table. He placed everything on their and first took his dress robes.

He laid it on the surface and ran his wand over it muttering softly to himself as steam came from his wand and ironed the dark green dress shirt with light green trim to perfection. He did the same for the matching pants and then hand-folded them and placed them to the side. He took his highly scuffed dress shoes and ran his wand over them as well. Every inch he ran over began to shine happily and darken back to the original black. He placed them next to the folded cloths and picked up the brush and conditioner and moved to the mirror.

After a second of looking at his greasy self he poured the conditioner into his hands. He muttered something and it foamed up as he rubbed it onto his scalp, feeling a slight tingle sensation. He kept this up for a while, occasionally reapplying the conditioner as the foam began to disappear. He then ran his wand over his hair, water spurted from it and washed away the residue, though it soaked what he was wearing and he didn't bother drying himself, instead he cast a nervous look to the dress shirt to ensure it was staying dry. It was, so he continued

Strong wind then came from his wand as his hair dried instantly and back into it's normal place, looking slightly less grease ridden. He began brushing it furiously, removing years-worth of minor tangles. Once it was smooth for the first time he could remember, he tried to style it slightly, just give it a bit more height. He managed this a little bit, as his hair got about three fourths of an inch higher then normal.

He looked at himself and cast his nose a reproachful glare. However he accepted he could do nothing for that. He left the bathroom tossing Avery's hair supplies back in his bag, not bothering to place them where they had started. He walked back into the bathroom and got changed into his dress robes and then scrutinized his reflection. The green in his robe matched Lilly's eyes, which were by far her best feature in Severus's opinion. That was part of the reason he'd gotten the dress rode with the light green trim. A part of him hoped he'd be accompanying Lilly whenever he wore this, and that they'd look good together with her perfect eyes matching his dress robes.

He didn't dare leave the dorm until it was time for the party. He could ruin his appearance too much in any time he spent out of the safety of the deserted room. Finally, about 15 minutes before the party was slated to start, he left his dorm. Walking quickly past his fellow Slytherins, because they didn't matter. He walked without listening to anyone. One of the Slytherins mentioned what sounded like Potter, but he ignored it. He left and went straight to the classroom the party was being held at.

From a bit away he could hear the music. Lively, with laughter and conversation almost drowning it out. He paused and took a deep breath. He was in the Slug Club, but Lily was Slughorn's favorite and Slughorn would probably be talking to his star about her potions O.W.L. He didn't mind, if Slughorn complimented her she may be in a better mood to talk to him.

Taking another gasping breath he ran his hand nervously over his shirt, getting rid of any minuscule wrinkles and entering the room. It was filled almost to bursting but his eyes were drawn instantly to the glorious red-head near the right side of the classroom. He could see about 70 percent of her behind a plump woman Severus recognized as a higher up from Magical Law Enforcement. The 15 year old red-head was looking slightly agitated, but with a feigned smile. She was talking to someone on her left who the ministry woman was blocking. Her hair was half up, the loose pieces formed gorgeous ringlets cascading over her thin neck. Her pale yellow outfit was perfect. He adored her in yellow, it brought out her hair and eyes. The dress itself was smart but sexy, full length and sleeveless. It had an oriental feel and design to it, Severus moved in more to get a better look as the Ministry woman finally moved to get a refreshment.

And then his world froze.

Beside the radiant beauty that was Lily Evans stood the most hideous creature Severus Snape had ever laid eyes on. A skinny boy with messy jet-black hair and disgusting dark eyes. The boy's filthy arm was intertwined with Lily's. James Potter was accompanying Lilly Evans to the party. He felt his throat swell up.

Lily finally glanced over and spotted Severus, she looked to James and smiled brightly, resting her head on his shoulder. Severus burst with anguish. Never before had James Potter made him feel more alone in the world. He began a quick trot over to the pair, and he must have looked as menacing as he felt for James pulled Lily back slightly and stepped before her. As thought offering himself for her was something he had always and would always do. The thought caused another internal death within the young Slytherin's heart. His wand came from his pocket at lightning speed. "Sectrumse-"

"Severus Tobias Snape!" Lily's voice was cold and full of disdain. It made him stop instantly as all eyes within earshot looked at the three. "I'm not interested in you trying to show how macho you are. Or in anything about you at all. Not anymore... You shouldn't have come tonight Severus." It pained her to say those words, but the entire evening, James, her in yellow though she hated the color and he told her she looked best in it, her words, were all to upset Snape like he had upset her. James placed an arm around her she much wished to remove. Though it had a warmth to it that she felt somewhere under her care for Severus.

Severus couldn't move. He couldn't think. He could just watch Potter place his arm around her and turn, leaving him watch the black and red merge as they spoke to each other in hushed voices and left the Slytherin alone in the crowded room.

He backed himself out of the room, drawing many stares as he did. Slowly he retired to the left and with his back against the wall inched down to the shadows. He sat with his legs pulled closely to his chest, his eyes wide. His eyes were pale and dark, but they had just a tinge of light to them, though it seemed faded and sad. Without any idea of how long has passed, he sat still, finally a head emerged from the crowded room. Mary McDonald, Lily's friend, was glancing over the deserted hall, she spotted Severus curled in the half-darkness half-moonlight and walked over.

Her short auburn hair fell over her shoulders as she crouched a little to be more level with Severus. "She was crying all night. Don't act like you deserve forgiveness. She told me she doesn't care about what you think anymore, and it's about time. She's been teased for it since the first year an-"

"Who's teasing her" Severus cut in, his protective nature for Lily getting the better of him.

"It doesn't matter!" She was raising her voice now, speaking quickly and pointfully "They'll leave her alone now as long as you stay away from her. Leave her alone for her sake. She doesn't want you back in her life, being present all the time will only make it harder for her, and the teasing won't stop." Mary paused, watching Severus.

For a good half a minute he sat in silence with his eyes downcast. Finally he raised them to meet Mary's. They were pale black, fully black. The light of hope that had been in them since the day he met Lily Evans had faded to nothingness. The eyes were now cold, deep, and brimming with unshed tears. "Te-" His voice cracked pathetically. "Tell her...Tell her I'm sorry..." The words were strained and quiet, sadness etched in each syllable.

Mary looked saddened and taken aback by his emotions, by the mere fact he could have emotions. Her voice wavered and weakened slightly as she spoke and stood in one motion, leaving him with the words echoing slightly in the otherwise deserted hall. "She's not interested."

He spoke into the emptiness "...I know..." His dark eyes shut quickly and his face buried itself against his knees. Tears streaked his pale face. The first tears to ever escape him while Lily Evans was on his mind.


End file.
